Forget everything I’ve ever written about diet and nutrition. It’s utter garbage—all of it! Racing Weight? Garbage. Diet Cults? Rubbish. The Endurance Diet? Pure crap. I’m a new man with a new message, one that is powerfully encapsulated in my astonishing new book, Celebrity Miracle Breakthrough Keto Revolution!
That’s right: I’ve gone full keto, betting all my chips on the ultra-low-carb ketogenic diet that is sweeping America like the Charleston did back in the 19-whatevers.
I understand this announcement might come as a bit of a shock to those of you who regard me as “that pro-carb guy,” or as “Mr. Anti-Fad Diet.” To be honest, I’m more than a little surprised by my own change of heart. But what can I say? I would rather suffer the embarrassment of admitting I wasted years, decades even, propagating harmful lies than go to my grave having never discovered the error of my ways or taken the opportunity to right the terrible wrongs I’ve done.
Perhaps you’re wondering how this dietetic one-eighty came about. Did some new study come along and change my mind? Did the high-carb diet I enjoyed for so long finally catch up with me? Did a silver-tongued keto advocate make the case in just the right way to overcome my longstanding biases?
Nope, nope, and nope. What actually happened was that I started getting tons of keto diet spam in my junk email folder. You know what I’m talking about: messages with subject lines such as “Keto Ultra Burn Protocol” and “Rapid Keto Torch Secret.” Like most people, I deleted these messages reflexively, the way one squashes a mosquito. But they just kept coming, and over time their relentless anti-carb drumbeat began to penetrate my brain in insidious ways. The effect was oddly similar to that of a hypnotist’s swaying pocket watch—something you regard with dismissive skepticism at first, and then next thing you know you wake up wearing a clown wig and barking involuntarily every time someone says “bacon.”
Anyway, to make a long story short, there came a point when I started to think that 7 billion spam emails couldn’t possibly be wrong. My conversion from carb booster to carb blaster was not quite as sudden, perhaps, as the awakening that transformed Saul into Paul on the road to Damascus, but I assure you it was no less absolute. I’ve gone from eating oatmeal for breakfast to picking fights with oatmeal eaters on Twitter, from snacking on bananas to telling a friend (or former friend, I should say) she was a terrible mother for packing a banana in her eight-year-old son’s school lunch.
I realize I’m rather late to the keto party. Does the world really need another keto advocate? What more can I possibly contribute? After all, existing champions of the cause have blamed carbs for everything from climate change to the Holocaust (something to do with Hitler being a vegetarian). No proselytizer for the ketogenic diet, however, has gone so far as to accuse carbs of being THE DEVIL incarnate–until now! In Celebrity Miracle Breakthrough Keto Revolution! I do just that. You’ll have to read the book to get the full argument, which only a fool could fail to be persuaded by, but I’ll give you a brief tease here:
Q. What did the serpent use to tempt Eve in the Garden of Eden?
A. Fruit!* Nature’s candy. Pure sugar lurking inside a harmless-looking skin.
It’s a bold gospel I preach in Celebrity Miracle Breakthrough Keto Revolution!, and there may be some who read it and decide I’ve lost my marbles. But I’m proud of this book—as proud as I am now ashamed of everything that came before it in my misguided career. My only regret is the timing of its release. True, today is the first of April, but I assure you this is no April Fool’s joke. My latest and greatest literary offering is very real, and if you click here you will be able to purchase your very own copy. Do it!
*Although the fruit of the Tree of Life is almost always depicted as an apple, the Bible doesn’t specify the type, and I suspect it was actually . . . a BANANA!